But in arguing without exploring and understanding each other’s stories, we only succeed in initiating a battle of messages, causing a more significant rift in the relationship and inhibiting change through a lack of mutual understanding (pp. In assuming the truth about what happened, each person believes themselves and their story to be correct (p. Yet, in recognizing our errors and assumptions, we can take steps to shift our stance, arrive at a place of mutual understanding, and come to understand better our own story in the process (p. On each of these fronts – truth, intention, and blame – we make critical mistakes and assumptions that undermine our ability to successfully navigate and make progress in difficult conversations (p. We spend much time dissecting who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame (p. Most difficult conversations involve disagreements about what happened (p. Understanding which type your conversation falls under will help you craft a productive approach to a discussion. There are three main categories of conversation.
#Having difficult conversations book how to#
Finally, walk yourself through the kind of conversation you want to have and how to frame things with that purpose in mind. And speak for yourself with clarity and humility, using tempered speech vs. Purpose to truly learn, using the three tools of “inquiry,” “paraphrasing,” and “acknowledgment” (p. Engage with people as a sympathetic listener, with a mind to understand their thoughts and feelings. Approach the conversation as if you are a neutral, third-party observer and invite the other person to join you in the discussion. Timing and core purpose are the first things to consider when embarking on a conversation. Coming to grips with your own and others’ complexity and taking the long view can help keep the conversation productive.Ĭreate a Learning Conversation. Conversations that seem to threaten our identity can be profoundly disturbing and short circuit effective dialogue. Understand where your own feelings lie and describe them (rather than vent). Feelings are often at the heart of the conversation, whether they are acknowledged or not. Avoid blame and focus on the contribution of all parties. Avoid assumptions about intent and keep intent separate from the impact of what happened. In engaging in a conversation, seek to “move from certainty to curiosity” (p. Starting first with identifying which kind of conversation you are in, you can develop a productive approach to handling each one. Every tough conversation you have falls into one (or more) of three types: The “What Happened” Conversation, The Feelings Conversation, and The Identity Conversation. “In fact, the people we’ve worked with, who have learned new approaches to dealing with their most challenging conversations, report less anxiety and greater effectiveness in all of their conversations” (p.
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